News from March, 2007

Kevin's divorce from Britney Spears was finalized today.  Britney had to pay Kevin back the 1 million dollars he lent her.  The agreement did not disclose the purpose of the loan but news reports have detailed the way Brit spent the money:   case after case of Prison Toilet Sangria, bribes to pavarattis, and fast food.  Now that Kevin has his money back he will likely continue being the greatest superstar alive. 

The fanclub will have much more on this subject once we pinpoint the exact gutter that Britney Spears will be on the verge of death in tonight. 

Check this mess out:

Britney Spears Can’t Buy Sons Love, They Prefer Kevin Federline By Toshiba Reynolds Mar 28, 2007

Britney Spears is worth an estimated $100 million, according to leaked documents. Too bad her young sons are not impressed by money.  According to a new report, Britney Spears is distraught that her sons seem to be more comfortable spending time with her estranged husband Kevin Federline than her. According to the upcoming issue of Star Magazine, "When Britney came to Kevin’s house, she realized the boys felt very at home there, and that there wasn’t a place for her," The Scoop says the insider told the tab. "She hasn’t had very good visits with the boys."

Sean P and Jayden Joey Jo Jo Jr. Shabadoo must be reading the fanclub.  Britney Spears’ own children hate her as much as the rest of us do!  I gotta say, for a long time the main job of the fanclub was to uncover lies about Kevin and deflect the massive amounts of hateration aimed his way.  It’s weird being in the majority.  Kevin is not only a great superstar, a talented performer and a stand up family man, he is universally respected by the public.  Maybe one day we can eradicate haterz like we eradicated polio and tuberculosis. 

PS - I didnt link to that story because that site has more ads than Jeff Gordon horking Dale Earnhardt Jr’s dong on Pay-Per-View. 

So I’m throwing a little get together for Kevin’s birthday yesterday.  Everyone’s there.  Glaze, Skeltz, Tup, Shonn Boog.  We’re having some drinks, listening to a couple podcasts, watching some TV, and then something disturbing happened.  A commercial for Direct TV comes on, and everybody’s like, "Oh this will probably be Kevin, since he’s the most famous commercial actor in the business today."  But it wasnt Kevin.  It was a disgusting pathetic rip off of Kevin.  In a word, it was Turtle. 

To this point I have never made the connection, but when I saw Turtle in that commercial I realized that he has based his whole career off of copying Kevin.  Think about it:

-  Streetwise clothing and language
-  Hanging out with rappers
-  Hanging out with celebrities (Ya Boy and Eddie Morales for Kevin, Vince for Turtle)
-  Doing commercials
-  Wearing hats
-  Appearing on television shows (CSI for Kevin, King of Queens for Turtle)

I was shocked, and more than a little embarassed I didn’t think of it earlier.  But Turtle is a

It’s a national holiday for employees of the Federline Government.  Today is Kevin’s Birthday.  I don’t know how old he is today.  Probably the most gangsta age, which is 17.  Here is the most hardcore birthday greeting I could find on the internet.  Unfortunately it doesn’t have any pancakes:

Lots of stuff is happening on Kevin’s big day.  The pavarattis have finally caught on to how poor Britney is now that Kevin dumped her.  She left rehab early to go to Kevin’s party and beg him for money.  Since money will probably be pouring down from the ceiling she ought to find enough for a bottle of Crippled Dog Sour Mash Whiskey. 

PS:  There’s a piping hot podcast for ya waiting right here. 

Look, Barack.  Stop trying.  You are never gonna get more famous than Kevin.  You only have 69,000 MySpace friends.  Kevin has 72,000.  That is WAAAAY more than you.  I cant even figure out how many more that even is.  It's probably like twice as many as you have.  I CANT EVEN CALCULATE NUMBERS THAT BIG.  Like the computer from Sneakers.  Check this out:

Meanwhile in loserland:

Kevin is friends with Shonn Boog, Pink and Brody Jenner.  Everyone on planet earth knows who Brody Jenner is.  Who is Barack friends with?  Eugene.  Great.  Hey everybody, it's Eugene.  Now we can really get crunk.  Because Eugene is here.  Awesome. 

When I found out who Brak was he had like 50,000 MySpace friends.  That is less than Kevin.  Now it's over 5 years later, and he STILL has fewer friends than Kevin. 

Also:  Get on this podcast, because it is so awesome it is realigning the gravity of planet earth. 

Kevin’s 29th Birthday is coming up pretty soon.  In fact, it may have already passed.  I didn’t hear the President make an announcement or anything so it probably hasnt happened yet.  Anyway, Brit is going to leave rehab early (shocking i know) so that she can crash the party and steal Kevin’s kids.  Kevin will probably just neutralize Brit with a series of vicious dance moves culminating in a Praying Mantis Style strike to the head.  It will be particularly damaging because the skank shaved her skank-protection off her head. 

 UPDATE:  President Bush just made an announcement that Kevin's Birthday will be observed on March 21st.  Bush is the head of the Federal Government.  Kevin is the head of the Federline Government.  Bush isn't hot fire though. 

DID YOU KNOW WE HAVE A PODCAST NOW??!?!

go here and get with the program. 

Oh my holy bajeezus!!  The fanclub is podcasting!!!!!11!orlb!!!!

Yeah.  You read that right.  The fanclub now has an official podcast.  Just go here.  Then follow the simple instructions, and you’ll get that fresh podcast rocked all over your iTunes every time we make a new one. 

In the inaugeral podcast Glaze and MTA explore the world of politics, Kevin, hot fire, technology and stacking cake. 

Update:  This podcast is off the interstate G!  You need to get with this irregularly but frequently updated audio file, cuz it's whats up on the streetz!!!!!

Welcome to the Hall of Hot Fire, Tom Brady.  When we heard that you impregnated two famous women within the span of a few months we were very impressed.  So impressed that we had to create the Hall of Hot Fire, of which you are the inaugeral member.  I suppose Kevin is really the inaugeral member.  Okay, the Fanclub is the bigger hall of fame, of which the Hall of Hot Fire is a subset.  Tom Brady is in the Hall of Hot Fire, but the Fanclub at large is devoted exclusively to Kevin and spitting that fire.  Anyway, here are the celebuskanks that Brady put babies in:

Keep up the good work, Brady.  One day maybe America will embrace you the same way they universally embrace and respect Kevin Federline. 

Here at the fanclub we thought we knew what Brit was all about.  We used the evidence available and concluded that she is The Attack of the 50 Foot Skank.  But maybe we were wrong.  Maybe she isnt a skank.  Maybe she is the anti christ. 

You've all heard the rumors.  Brit is in rehab, running around claiming to be the anti christ.  These rumors are being circulated by pavarattis, so they should be taken with a grain of salt.  But what if the rumors are true?  Here at the fanclub we like to go one level deeper, so lets do this.

The Anti Christ is described in chapter 13 of The Book of Revelations in the New Testament of the Bible.  The Bible is basically the hot fire that people were spitting 5000 years ago.  In the book of Revelations the Anti Christ has 8 qualities. 

1:  And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.

I dont know how many heads Brit has, but this could be symbolic or something.  If "heads" = "albums" then yes there is no question each of her albums is blasphemy against hot fire.

2:  And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.

This one pretty much speaks for itself.  Brit is an ugly beast.  The Bible left out "the vag of a gorilla" but pobody's nerfect, know what I mean? 

3:   And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast.

Okay.  This is kind of scary.  This could be when she shaved her head.  If her hair grows back next week I am gonna start being a Christian. 

4:  And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? Who is able to make war with him?

If by "they" the Bible means "the pavarattis" then this is exactly correct. 

5:   And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given unto him to continue forty and two months.

As we discussed above Brit's music is a blasphemy against Pancakus, the god of hot fire.  Did you ever notice that the Bible is kind of redundant? 

6 And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and them that dwell in heaven.

7 And it was given unto him to make war with the saints, and to overcome them: and power was given him over all kindreds, and tongues, and nations.

8 And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him, whose names are not written in the book of life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world.

I'm not really sure what the last three mean.  6 is more blasphemy.  7 I think is a reference to her attempt to steal the kids from Kevin.  8 is kind of a rehash of 4, but not everyone on earth is a pavaratti.  It seems like it sometimes, but you just gotta keep your head up.

I am gonna go out on a limb and say that Britney Spears is just your run of the mill Cyberdine Systems Model Skank-1000. 

We knew it was gonna happen.  In case you hadn’t already heard, there is a presidential election in two years.  So far, there are only like one or two candidates running.  We’ve already demonstrated the myriad ways in which Kevin is superior to one of them, Barack X.  This weekend we found out some pavarattis out there are ranking Kevin ahead of the other person running for president, Hillary Clinton. 

I’ve never heard of Hillary Clinton.  I am sure she has lead a quiet life, suffering very little of the media scrutiny that follows more famous people like Kevin Federline.  Here’s how I learned about her.  It all started when I watched a speech by a guy named Ann Coulter.  Check out Ann's adams apple.  You know this is a real man's man. 

This weekend he gave a speech, and called someone a faggot.  Now I immediately assumed the person was a pavaratti, because let’s be honest.  Turns out it wasn’t a pavaratti, it was just some guy.  But it takes a lot of guts and bravery to call someone a faggot, so I decided I had to learn more about this Coulter dude.  Here’s what I found:

It is as easy to imagine Americans voting for someone like Margaret Thatcher or Condoleezza Rice for president as it is difficult to imagine them voting for someone like Hillary. (Or Kevin Federline.) Hillary isn’t piggybacking on Thatcher because she’s a woman, she’s piggybacking on Thatcher because Thatcher made it on her own, which Hillary did not. 

So Ann Coulter thinks Kevin Federline would be a better President than Hillary Clinton, Condaleeza Rice and Margaret Thatcher combined.  If I were you I’d take Mr. Coulter’s opinions seriously.  Check out the dude’s hands:

You know what he’s packing downstairs.  And guys with big units don’t mess around.  Trust me, I know.  They beat me up all the time. 

The Kevin Federline for President movement is growing.  And above all, it is REAL. 

Sometimes people you think are your friends turn out to be little more than haterz in peep’s clothing.  Seems that SOMEBODY who shall remain nameless (glazefaggot) was a little dissappointed with the fanclub in the past week.  I "rushed" through some updates. 

Look.  Not every development in the Kevin Federline Life Journey warrants a pictorial summary or a million links.  I almost failed out of school trying to keep up with how many more MySpace friends Kevin has than Brad Obama. 

So in honor of what an asshole everyone but me is, I present to you a summary of the last two weeks of Kevin Federline news and notes.  (if you surf the interweb you will find a lot of pavarattis talking about how awesome Kevin is.  Sound familiar?  We been towin that line since January 06.)

SOOOOOOOOOO we all know what's been happening.  Kevin got bored of seeing Brit's vag splashed across the cover of US News & World Report, so he made her go to rehab.  Now that she's in rehab, she has admitted her biggest problem.  She is addicted to Kevin Federline's male essence.  So addicted that even after he dumped her, took the kids, kept his money and became a world famous superstar she still wants him to take her back.  She wants him so bad that she is wearing a ring on her ring finger. 

Now, I don't know shit about which finger means what.  But girls do.  And they pay attention to that junk.  She didnt do that by accident.  The only accident she ever made was failing to properly prepare Kevin's pancake breakfast. 

By the way:  Kevin is on the cover of US Weekly this week.  Usually we dont countenance this pavaratti crap but sometimes its nice to sit back and enjoy the attention.